Week 8 - ending 2/25: Stillness and Chaos

I found a note in my phone from 12/12/2020 that read:

I am attracted to those who sit in silence and stillness among the chaos

I am repelled by those who sit in silence and turmoil, adding to the chaos

It helped me gain more perspective into a person from my past. He lives his life never alone, keeping people around for years at a time, but at such a distance it takes that long to begin to know who he is. He then always has someone waiting in the wings for when the current relationship starts asking for too much or getting too close. Emotionally, always distant and leaving so many parts unexplored; while physically, knowing and exploring every inch as if the body is love and touch is feeling.

I spend time, in agony, analyzing his lifestyle. He is so different from me. His approach to life and people so unlike mine. I am looking to see if it is better. I want to explore the possibility I am missing something, that maybe I am doing something wrong. Maybe the fleeting connections is the way we should all live. But I love too deeply to be served by many temporary connections.

To me he was my friend. A person I thought I knew. I did, I knew who he was at the time with me. Today, I don't know him. He is either who he has always been and with me, he was unique. Or he is unique now and the person I knew is lost. I don't believe it is the later.

As a result of him and his turmoil, he has added chaos to my stillness. However, unlike him I am taking this time to get know myself. Instead of seeking himself, he seeks others. I will sit in silence, until I can reach stillness again.