Week 52 - ending 12/30: The End

I had every intention of writing something acknowledging that I accomplished this goal of writing once per week and what I learned. However, part of that desire was because nothing else came to mind. Then I went on social media. Good old social media to spark thoughts and emotions.

As I have mentioned, at nauseum, in recent years I have lost several people I never thought I would lose. One, a friend of mine for nearly 25 years. I recently saw a picture of her on social media. She was with some relatively new friends of hers, meaning in the last 5 - 8 years. Of course I examined the picture, read the emotion and looked at the body language.

As I stared I noticed how different she looked. Nothing much physically. Her hair was the same, face, body, etc. However, to me she looked different. The familiar comfort of her face wasn't there. The calming and safe emotion I used to get when I saw here had also disappeared. Instead she looked broken, sad and empty. A shell of a person to me with nothing much within.

I felt sadness for her and for me. I felt confusion and insecurity. I began examining all of my relationships and wondering, if or when, they would end. Perhaps I just never gain emotion of relationships so I never have to lose it. That thought always sends me down the rabbit hole of, "is it better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all?" I will not digress.

I remember throughout our friendship she had other friends come and go. Many very close friends that ended badly. I just assumed we were the ones that would last. As of right now, we are not.

I often wonder if I would welcome her back into my life. If I am honest with myself, yes I would, however I am not sure how different it would be. Since the relationship ended so abruptly I find myself worrying about other relationships ending in the same way. One thing I have learned is that if something is meant to end, it can end for any reason at any time. A small, seemingly innocuous act or question can terminate years of friendship. Some might say that it wasn't a real relationship then. I see it as an inevitable death. If our time is up, we will die. We couldn't have shows like 1,000 weird ways to die, if that wasn't true. Perhaps the same is with relationships. If it is meant to be over, something so small or so big can end it.

I recently have read about "resting lives." It is a spiritual thought that some people have resting lives. These are lifetimes where relatively little happens or changes. They occur either because the soul is resting up for the next lifetime, which will be challenging. Or the soul just completed a challenging incarnation and this incarnation is for resting after that experience. When it comes to relationships I don't think I am in a resting lifetime as that seems to be my biggest lesson in this lifetime, thus far.

I cannot force friendships, however, I could improve on the part I play in them. 2024 could bring back old people or bring in new people. I am hoping the removal of people that I have experienced for the last 3 1/2 years is over though.