Week 42 - ending 10/21: Ramblings

My mind has been very unfocused lately. My thoughts scatter and nothing remains in my head long enough to work through it. Safety, security, home, loneliness, the past, the future, regrets, apathy, health, wealth, how much clothes I actually need, what clothes I actually wear, aging, shoes, etc. That being said, this week is just rambling...

There is a security of doing nothing. There is a safety when nothing changes. Lately I have been very aware of loneliness. Lately I have become very aware of the emptiness of life when it comes to relying on people or seeking out people. People fail you, people leave, people hurt you. Some mean it, some don't. Some blame life, some try but fail, some just go inward and claim they are shutting you out for their peace. Nobody really knows what is going on with others and, these days, there is so much information on how to help yourself. Yet so many people are more disjointed and out of touch than ever. Values have changed and it seems that people are more careless than ever with other's. To that we say, everyone just needs to look out for their own peace and place boundaries. Yet that has turned into normalizing and accepting being an asshole to others and rude. I don't understand where the disconnect is? Compassion, empathy and effort have become selfishness, apathy and distance.

I have a longing to change my life. I can see the life I want, but I cannot see myself being worthy of it. I have ways in which I want to achieve it. I have thoughts about how to execute it, and even have people who have told me they will help me. Alas, the help is never what I expected. They say you have to rely on people, they say people need people, they say it takes a village, so why do I always feel disappointed by people? If this is a reflection of myself than I am disappointing myself. Or is this a lesson in self-sufficiency? Am I meant to learn to do it all on my own? Trying to determine the lesson is the hardest part sometimes. Once you determine the lesson you can move forward. Maybe the lesson is to ask? If that is the case, it is the hardest lesson I have ever had to learn.

When I was in my 30's, I was given the choice to sign a 1 year lease at my rental with a rent raise, or move out. My parents encouraged me to buy a place, which I did. Several years later my parents asked me why I didn't ask for help from them. I asked them, help for what? They replied help with money for the down payment. Honestly, that thought never crossed my mind. Even if it had I know I would never had asked. Yet, I know so many people who ask for help with the (seemingly) smallest things. I don't judge them, in fact I am usually amazed by them. I am enamored with their ability to ask. I see it as putting yourself out there by asking for help and putting myself out there is not something I am comfortable doing. Always fearing being a burden but then getting lonely and sad when I need someone and no one is there. But did I ask for someone? No I didn't. Where are my mind readers at?

After that digression, I will return to my first couple sentences about safety and security. Currently, I am gainfully employed. My job provides me a livable wage, health care and paid vacation time. Yet I am longing for something different. What I am longing for will cause me to lose the security I have now. It will cause me to lose the safety I have. Yet the risk of greatness exists. The risk of dream fulfillment exists. I often look at people who have spouses and think how lucky they are. They can rely on them for medical and emotional support and a secure income. Since I rely on only myself, if I quit, I lose it all. If I succeed I gain it all. Time will tell if the saboteur will win and keep me comfortable or if the lion will rise within.