Week 4 - ending 1/28: Security

I tend to get a lot of thinking done while I run. Memories, realizations and ideas will flood in as I travel down the road. The other day I had one of these realizations. As I struggle to release someone I finally figured out a part of why I'm struggling.

The last three years have come with more life changes than I have seen in a very long time, if not ever. I experienced changes at work and I have had three very important people leave my life. Some by choice some not by choice.

During the pandemic I was able to escape the feelings because everything was so different I wasn't able to grasp the reality of their absence. As life gets back to a new normal, similar to the old normal, I am beginning to become very aware of their absence. I am missing them, I am missing that life, I am missing that security. As a result I am trying to hold onto any part of them I can. This has led to unhealthy attachments and fears.

I was speaking with the one who moved away the other day. He said, "I don't know what you expect of me?" As I heard those words I began to realize that I didn't know either. The reason I didn't know what I expected was because it wasn't him I needed or wanted anything from. It was the life, the security and the safety I had when he was here. He was not the safety or the security, he was simply in my life when I had that feeling.

I began to understand how much I had put my sense of well being on others and situations, that while not short lived, are truly all temporary. As everything in life is, it is all temporary. Sometimes temporary is 35 years or 7 years or 3 months, but nonetheless it is never for a lifetime.

As I sit with this realization, I am learning to lean into the feelings of insecurity that cause me to want to reach out to him. I remind myself that it is not him. I remind myself that speaking to him doesn't make me feel any better or safer or more secure. If anything, it does the opposite, bringing up more emotions to be dealt with.

As it sit with this realization, I am learning how to build myself up again after loss and change and pain. I am learning to find the safety and security within me. Even though I always thought I had it, it took losing so much to make me realize I was looking for it in the wrong place.