Week 36 - ending 9/9: Here with Me

The last time we spoke was sometime in mid 2017. A blow up text exchange after a failed reconciliation attempt 20 years after we first met.

But you are still here with me.

You are here in the stuffed honu that keeps my office door from slamming shut when the wind blows.

* * *

The last time I saw you, you were laying in the hospital bed with your eyes closed. I always imagine you were waiting for us to let you go.

But you are still here with me.

You are in the photo of the two of us under the banana tree that is on the wall above my monitor in my office. You are in my past and future, even if you are not here physically. You are imprinted on my life in ways I have yet to understand.

* * *

We stopped talking after drama with your child's mother.

But you are still here with me.

You are in the Hawaiian Style shirt crumpled in my drawer that I have not worn in years. You are in the jacket you used to wear when we would go out and get into trouble still hanging in my closet. You are in my mind most days and in my tears on others.

* * *

The last time I saw you was when I told you to get yourself clean. You returned three more times after that conversation but never for long.

But you are still here with me.

You are in the stone planter that the bonsai tree you gave me came in. The tree you shaped and cut into a beautiful work of art. The tree that had you embedded in it. The tree, whose life, took on the emotions of our relationship. Every time you left, the tree died a little but came back when you did. Then you didn't return and neither did the tree.

* * *

I don't remember the exact moment or reason we fell away from each other.

But you are still here with me.

You are in my energy. You are in the miles I have walked. Your touch is still imprinted on the deep layers of my skin. Your words still reverberate in my head.

The fear and pain you sparked in me now make me laugh. And after this time has gone by, I can review what we were and what we became and see the beauty and joy that exists.

I can see that instead of feeling sadness, anger and hatred over something ending, I can feel gratitude. Grateful that our souls love each other so much that they could not bear the thought of spending even one lifetime without the other. Even if it meant the lifetime would be spent in turmoil. Underneath it all is love. It has always been and will always be love.