Week 35 - ending 9/2: Never Ending Desire for Never Changing

Once again the idea of a resting life is on my mind. Dolores Cannon talks about resting lives. These are lives people have where nothing seems to happen. There are no major changes, events or drama. They can be the result of resting up from a difficult past life or resting in preparation for a difficult life. Either way, as I see people, who I think live these lives I get jealous.

Earlier this week I had to drive out to the west side to pick up my friend's son, who had a school event in Nanakuli. I got there a little bit early and sat in the beach parking lot waiting. As I sat there with my windows open I heard, "fuckah, you fuckah, fuckah!" over and over.

I looked at the road and saw an older model white sedan being followed by an older model black Honda civic. The Honda had no front windshield and no side windows. All three of the front windows had been smashed out. It was the driver of the Honda civic that was yelling as he tailed the white sedan.

The driver of the Honda appeared to be in his 30's, no shirt, possibly not in his right mind and most likely not a contributing member of society. As I watched the cars turn the corner and drive out of my sight I couldn't help but examine my emotions towards the situation.

There was a part of me that wanted to know more. In my past I have often ended up with people similar to him. Perhaps not as mentally unwell, but nonetheless, living a more resting life, where nothing changes and where little ambition exists.

The men that have never left their childhood home. Hold jobs long enough to get money and then quit. Move from field to field, working blue collar positions.

Some may see them as not making anything of their live. Not leaving home. Not traveling. Not seeing or experiencing the world. There is a part of me that looks at them as safe.

In their lack of ambition, I see someone who would not leave, because leaving would be changing. I see security but not necessarily happiness. I see a safety that would require complacency. While I know, deep down, I wouldn't be happy with someone like that for long, I am still drawn to them.

All my life I have resisted change. All my life I thought I should have stayed where I was born, kept the same friends and closed out anyone new. However, that is not the way my life has played out. And when I stop and think, the decisions I have made, solely on my own, have been to change. They have been to move far away. Perhaps they have been to run away.