Week 31 - ending 8/5: Cement Shoes

Let me tell you where I am stuck. It is the sacral chakra. The place that stores all the trauma, guilt and fear. It is also the place that stores all the creativity, creation and power. It is the home of the saboteur. The one who works to keeps us present, but also works to keep us scared, if we let him. He is the voice of reason, the ego and the one who can make sure we think of every detail. He is also the one who tells us we cannot, should not and will not succeed.

When I was in 1st or 2nd grade we had an art contest. Each student had to draw a poster to represent an upcoming science fair the school was having. I could think of what to draw, but not how to draw it, so I copied my neighbors paper. My classmate started her poster by drawing a border with squares. I saw it, I liked it, I copied it. From that point on our posters were very different. The contents, pictures, and words all focused on different things. However, if you looked, there was a basic design element that was the same.

Since I never thought I was good at art, or knew how to be artistic I didn't think much of what I did. However, when it came to the judging, I came in 3rd. She didn't place. The guilt I felt was immeasurable. I didn't know what I was supposed to do. Should I tell someone that I got my layout by looking at her paper? Should I give her my place? Everyone I spoke to, including her, said I won fairly so I let it go.

That was some 40 years ago and I still think about it. I still feel bad about it. I still feel like I stole from someone else. I still don't draw because I am convinced anything I do would have already been done. The saboteur is telling me this.

As a result I have never explored my artistic side. I always labeled myself as a thinker not an artist. Secretly loving to write, but playing it off as more intellectual than artistic. Never allowing myself to explore the possibility that I earned the 3rd place, when I secretly still harbor pain and regret for what I did.

As such, allow this to be a lesson. In the words of Barenaked Ladies, "It's all been done" so perhaps we are all borrowing or stealing from others. Perhaps art is just putting our unique spin on things that have already been created. Or maybe, true art, is just having enough guts, gumption, confidence and pride to create something and put yourself, and your creation, out for the world to see.

As for me, I am slowly chipping away at those cement shoes that keep me grounded in intellect. I am chipping away looking for color, inspiration, art and expression.

In the meantime, I shall put on my orange sweatshirt while eating carrots and oranges. Sacral chakra opening.