Week 30 - ending 7/29: Compartmental

I have always kept my life very compartmentalized. Things, people, times, experiences all had their own special, specific compartments in my heart, head and past. At work I keep two phones, one for work and one for personal. In my life there are friend groups that have never met. In my past their are specific people who only know one part of me and others who do not.

I am so good at keeping things separate. Perhaps too good. I am starting to learn that all the while that I was compartmentalizing my life, I was doing the same to myself. My goals, dreams, fears and emotions were sectioned off.

While this makes it easier to drown, it makes it harder to be balanced.

When sadness comes I can readily draw upon years of experiences and emotions. All helping me to dive further into the pain. Swimming in the tears, that may or may not come. Feeling the tension and redness in my chest and stomach. The sensation in my hands as they imagine becoming fists in rage. The feeling in my feet that they cannot stand still and just want to beginning running.

Going to that place helps no one.

As I rethink the way that I think, I have begun trying to adjust my emotions and reactions. Instead of drowning in the comfort of pain, I am learning to balance the bad with the good.

Just because one co-worker upset me, that doesn't mean every single person who I have ever perceived as doing me wrong must come with my at the moment and be in the firing line. Let's be real, they have moved on. They are living their life, free. I am the one allowing them to pull me under.

The real problem comes when being below the surface feels the safest, most comfortable and most familiar.

Today I had an opportunity to dive in. As the water rushed around me in the form of thoughts I paused, and held my hand out to stop the water. I saw each memory, person and thought appear. I then saw each memory, person and thought float away and disappear.

They say the ego is here to protect us and the mind is here to allow us to think, remember, and sense. However, I am learning that the body is better at many of those things than the mind; and that the soul is a better protector.