Week 29 - ending 7/22: Generational

Some people say there are things passed on through the generations. Lessons, curses, things that need to be learned and resolved. However, it is never sure which generation, or who, will be the one to resolve those issues.

I have learned from my cousin, that our paternal grandparents got married out of necessity essentially. They were getting older and, in that generation, women needed to be married to survive and people were expected, or needed, to have children. Children helped with the farming, livelihood and carried on the family.

Love was not necessarily involved. Doing what, and with, the person that lit up their soul was not considered.

I have been analyzing my life a lot lately. The past, what could have been, what was and where I consider my wrong turns. As I look back I see a recurring theme. It is in me, my father and possibly my grandparents. It is going the way of expectation, not the way of desire. It is doing what is expected or accepted, not what lights you up. In some sense, I am learning, it can also mean taking the easier path.

My father wanted to be two things: a police officer and harbor master. Maybe he could have put the two together and been the harbor patrol. Except he never even tried to be either. His mother told him that no son of hers would carry a gun and that the way he was to go was to be a teacher.

So, to appease his mother, he did; and he became an excellent teacher. His students and fellow staff adored him. However, it never filled him up.

Only momentarily did he feel joy, but never enough to sustain. Instead of confronting himself and examining the issue, he chose to do nothing. That choice infiltrated his entire life. Opting for the path of least resistance. Opting for the path of least expectations.

The woman with the non-existent standards, the job that fulfilled something, but more importantly did not leave so much in turmoil. Opting, perhaps, for numbness and stagnation over joy, but also, numbness and stagnation over effort that could lead to failure or great success.

By the time his mother passed it was too late for him to make a change. Too late to go back and follow his original dream.

Looking upon it I see it coming up in my life too. I am at a crossroads. No longer being fulfilled by the life I created following what I was supposed to do. No longer accepting the monotony of this path. Instead I am seeking the joy that lights me up. I am seeking the high of effort and success. I am seeking the thrill of passion.

As I am slowly being surrounded by people who faced these obstacles and live towards, and in, their joy each day, I am also seeing where my dad took his turn. I am feeling the fear of the possibility of success, joy, independence, light. I am feeling the unworthiness and the weight of going against the path I was guided on. I am clearly seeing the path of stagnation with contentment vs the path of rebellion with elation.

I have an opportunity to try. An opportunity to replace the stagnation and predictability of indecision, with the chaos and uncertainty that comes from exploring what lights me up.

My goal should be to live in a way that lights up my soul, my self, my life. Not just keep on the suggested path, avoiding the things that could remind me that life has more to offer, if we follow our joy, our soul, our glimmers, our true selves, our people.