Week 28 - ending 7/15: Emotionally Unavailable

I am 2 weeks into a course on learning how to love differently. The first 5 weeks of the class go through the 5 Chinese elements and are corresponded to 5 pillars of love. As I said, we are in week 2.

Week 1 was water or presence. Week 2 is wood or intention.

Week 1's pillar was unconditional love. Week 2's pillar is love is forgiveness.

As I listen to our instructor tell her personal stories and explain what each element and pillar mean, I am left with several interesting insights. Some would call them "a-ha" moments, however, our instructor loves to talk about "glimmers."

Sometimes my personal revelations are a little unnerving, unraveling and frustrating, however, I still like to think of them as glimmers because as I peel away each layer, my light is getting brighter. As the layers fall away and my light ignites, it allows me to ignite someone else. Therefore, I changed my mindset from "a-ha moments" or "things to work on" or "issues" or "hang-ups" to "glimmers." Glimmers of who I am becoming. Glimmers of who I have always been. Glimmers of who I will be again.

This weeks glimmer came from a question asked in our lesson. Our instructor asked if we could find people who help us with our intent or keep us focused and ask them if they would be willing to listen to us and provide constructive feedback on a problem, task, idea, etc.

As I thought about that question, who I would ask and what I would ask I was hit with the possibility that I am emotionally unavailable. I have always known I was closed off. I have always known I was afraid to get close to people. However, on the flip side I have always thought of myself as being very emotional.

The problem is I am usually the only person who sees that emotion. And while I think my smile and laugh will signify my deep love for a person, they often don't express what I think I am expressing.

Based on this I suppose my first question to someone I trust and admire, would be, how do I, or do I show emotion? If I dare ask someone I love, do they know I love them? Do they feel that I love them? Do they feel that I express my love for them?

Asking the question is the easy part. Listening and absorbing the answers is the difficult part. Er, listening and absorbing the answers are the glimmers.