Week 27 - ending 7/8: My Place Among the Discomfort

As I have mentioned many times before, starting in March 2020, I lost several people who meant a lot to me. Several people I honestly never thought I would be without in my life.

As time goes on and other people enter my life I am more and more uncomfortable. I seem to be drawing in people that are unlike any I would have known before.

While my old friends may not have been the best or most loyal at times, there was a comfort there. There was a longevity. There was a distorted, and possibly unhealthy, security I found in them. They knew parts of me no one else knows. I continue to struggle with the understanding that those parts of me still exists. Those moments still happened. Those feelings, emotions and memories are still mine even if they are not.

Now, each day I am confronted with new discomforts. I am surrounded by people I used to run from. I am surrounded by people I would have judged. I am surrounded by people that trigger so many insecurities, yet have thus far proven to kind, compassionate teachers.

I was at an event the other weekend. A gorgeous estate owned by a pageant queen and her family. The guest list included previous pageant winners and contestants, entrepreneurs, and people a bit or a lot younger than me.

To prepare for the event, I went running, journaled and meditated. Doing everything that centers me and prepares for challenging situations.

As I entered the event, things seem to flow smoothly. The people and conversation was easier and more genuine than I had expected. However, I still felt self-conscious. I still wanted an younger version of myself to be there instead of who I am today.

At one point we all walked to the beach. When we got there I dropped my towel and immediately entered the water. I felt safe, protected and at home. It was several minutes before another person joined me. Even then they did not swim, they did not get their hair wet. It was another 10 minutes before more joined. It was another 15 minutes until they all joined and agreed to swim with me.

As we swam parallel to the shore I noticed most of them walked or slowly waded in the water. Nobody really swam. At one point a few asked me if I was a swimmer. I was unsure on how to answer because it appeared, compared to them, I was. However, I never consider myself a swimmer. I know how to swim. I enjoy swimming. I am good at swimming.

However, in that moment I realized that maybe I did have something to offer. Maybe it wasn't a one sided situation. Maybe I wasn't the child, looking up towards the adult enamored by their beauty, grace and poise. What if I was close to their level and what if I could offer something to them?

At the end of the event we each picked two cards. The cards I got were Allow and Ripple. The allow card is very strong. The message of encouraging me to allow the process, allow the emotions, allow the possibilities. The ripple card I feel is a testament to the effect making small changes can have on oneself and others around. Perhaps allowing the process will have a ripple down effect in my life and those around me.