Week 26 - ending 7/1: Random Thoughts Short

I had several posts pre-written that I could have published today. However, none of them felt right. Even at the cost of them being outdated when I post, I still couldn't bring myself to schedule them.

Instead I needed to freely write.

No plan.

No point.

No context.

This is just the thoughts in my head after this week.

When I graduated high school, I had no problem leaving all I had known behind and moving away. I kept in contact with one person. The rest fell away so effortlessly as if they were only attached to my high school and the town I lived in at that time.

My life became new. I became new. Everything and everyone was new.

Fast forward 25 years. I am in the same space again. Only this time life is systematically removing people from my life. No matter how hard I try. No matter how much I pour my heart out or attempt to reach out, they are going or gone.

I scratch my nails until they bleed begging for people to stay. Begging to hold on to what once was, but they are so cold. They simply turn and walk away or step right over me. It is so cold hearted, so sudden and so out of character that I have no choice, but to believe it is being orchestrated by a higher power. For us humans should not be capable of such disconnectedness.

As I stand alone, I see pieces of all of these people around me. The house where she lived when her mom was alive. The lyrics to his favorite song. The street I used to pick him up at. But all I have are those pieces. The people that were associated with them are gone.

Instead I see new people. My days are filled with conversations of things and names of people I am not as familiar with.

It is terrifying to me. For these new people and conversations are glimmers into the person I could be. Perhaps the person I have always wanted to be.

More accurately the person I have always been afraid that I could actually be.

For what if everything works out. What if those people, in my life for 25 years, were always going to be temporary. What if they were just passing through. What if we were both just broken, got what we needed and now we are to depart. What if the people I never wanted to lose are the ones I have to let go of in order to grow. What if my fears are really the only the things in my way. And, worse yet, what if I could actually be, all that I have ever envisioned.

What if I would succeed? It is a thought I never grew up thinking could be. "They" were always someone else. "They" were over there and we were over here. What if I am "them?"