Week 25 - ending 6/24: Overload

Many years ago I started on a sort of spiritual journey. It was not intentional or conscious. It began with horoscopes, meditation and breathwork. I was then introduced to several teachers and started learning deeper meditation, bodywork and breathing techniques. Today I continue to learn and practice. As I dive deeper in the subconscious and spiritual realm I find myself getting overwhelmed at times.

The amount of information available is astounding. The layers and layers we each have to peel away is daunting. The complexity of each human, each action, each interaction and each reason are endless.

There are times when I am searching for answers or uncovering layers and I get too overwhelmed. I get angry. I get jealous and I cry.

I look at people who live in the dark, so to speak. They only react. They only know and understand the present moment. There is no thought about the why and how. There is no curiosity into the vastness that exists beyond our physical being. There is no comprehension that we could have met, experienced things together and did things to each other because they were planned before we were born. There is no consideration we have known each other before.

There are days I long to be like them. There are days I long to go back to a time of naivety. A time before my mind, body and spirit would call out to me.

The door has been cracked open and now I often sit with an internal fight of wanting to force it wide open or slam it shut. The problem is, the only way it can be closed again is through distraction or addiction. A knowing of what is, what will be and what should be, constantly fighting against what could be.

The simplicity of ignorance disappearing into the vastness of knowingness and in between is death. Death of the old self, the old ways, the excuses of ignorance.