Week 24 - ending 6/17: Inability to Continue

I have started writing so many posts. Posts about reflecting on some of the impactful people I have met in my life; reflections of people's actions and life choices and how I am left to deal with them; posts about fear, regret and what I would change if I could start over.

Each time I sit down to write, I get a few great sentences or paragraphs done. Then the meat of the topic emerges. I quickly realize I am not prepared to discuss or look at what is coming up. As if putting pen to paper, so to speak, solidifies my thoughts, feeling and emotions and that can never be undone or changed. As if speaking on it will somehow devalue it, expose it and make me realize it was not as meaningful or meaningless as I had thought.

Emotions, feelings and experiences are funny things. I hold dear so many moments in my life. Many of which only myself and one other were present. If I forgive them, if I let them go, am I also losing the memory? I have not reconciled the ability to release the person, emotion, feeling, time, experience, version of myself and still hold onto the moment. I am stuck in the feeling. I need the feeling for it to be real. If the emotion is not there, what is it? Just two people sitting watching TV. Just two people out having fun in the ocean.

Life is not made of what you do in the moments. Life is made up of the emotions and feelings in each of those moments. Some of my most cherished memories are quietly sitting in the car driving down the road with another. Or sitting on the sand drinking a beer. My most cherished moments are not hiking and getting lost, or losing control of the car on North Road, or skateboarding down the hill at midnight. It is the quiet moments. The soft moments. The moments when the soul is radiating from the body in the form of energy. It is when I can see who you really are, without the distractions of activity or ego or pain. It is your beauty and it comes out when we are least guarded, least distracted.