Week 22 - ending 6/3: Ode to Endings

When I was in my early-20's, I learned a friends father committed suicide. He was in his mid-40's. I remember being confused at the time. I wondered why someone would commit suicide at that age. I thought suicidal thoughts were for teenagers in high school who didn't fit it. Surely, by the time you got to mid-life you had paid enough dues that suicide was just not something that would come to mind, let alone, come to fruition by one's own hands.

A few years later I briefly dated a guy who later would commit suicide. When we started dating, it was very casual, and he was very upfront with me that he still had issues releasing his ex. I understood and we never got serious. A few months later I stopped seeing him and we didn't speak.

I had deleted his phone number but still had his email address. One random afternoon I got an urge to email him to see how he was doing.

I disregarded the urge.

That was late summer. By the end of the year a mutual friend found me and told me had committed suicide. He hung himself outside and his mother found him. My heart broke for his mother because she loved him dearly and saw the pain he was in from the previous girlfriend.

Looking at him, to some he had so much. He had hobbies and dear friends. Loving parents and a young son. He was healthy, going to school and had a career path.

Yet, one person, one single person, was able to cause him so much pain that he could see no way out.

I never asked this question, but I always wondered if they found scratch marks on his hands. I read that if someone regrets their decision of hanging themselves you will see scratches on their hands and fingers from when they tried to loosen or release the noose. I suppose I was looking to try to understand the depth of his pain and his final moments, alone. Was he scared? Was he relieved? Was he content?

I am now in my mid-40's. While I have not considered suicide, I have dabbled in escapism. Escaping with the help of drugs, alcohol, toxic people, meditation and excess work. Each time I slip into an unhealthy escape I am reminded of those who have left by their own hands. Every time I dabble in a healthier escape I end up burned out, but a little better for the wear.

Whether healthy or not, I always try to sympathize and imagine the amount of pain one must be in to go through with such a task. While many seem to point to issues and loss in romantic relationships, rationally, I know the issues are deep down with the self and the soul. The other person is a merely a test, a reflection, maybe an escape that couldn't be controlled.

As a result, I am also very humbled by humans who love. To put yourself out there you must be so invested in yourself, so committed to your well-being that you keep yourself in check. You mentally, emotionally and spiritually take time outs to refresh and renew the most important relationship of all. The relationship with yourself.

As I get older I notice the heartbreak gets harder and I begin to understand the misconceptions of my youth. I begin to understand those who have no use for others. I begin to understand those who have made the decision to remain alone.

I also begin to understand those who so fiercely put themselves first that it appears selfish. It is those that I am now striving to be. For me to survive this life with a smile, I know it is the only way I can be.

*If you need help or have suicidal thoughts please reach out to a trusted friend or dial 988 to speak to someone