Week 20 - ending 5/20: Fear

I have mentioned it several times, but the last three years have been very intense for me. A lot of changes, hardships and shocking events which have, thankfully, transformed me into a better, calmer and more aware person than I could ever have become without those experiences.

There are some days I experience things and I am honestly shocked by my response, or perhaps, lack of response. Things that, in the past, would have sent me racing down an emotional road, are responded to in calm and non-attachment.

As a result, often times I analyze my response. Why and how did I respond or not respond in such a way? When is "the other shoe going to drop" and my response go back to what I am used to? Only it hasn't, and I don't find solace in those types of dramatic endings anymore. I no longer try to steer the ending into a dramatic loss of friendship, tears and emotional control. I sit and observe the things around me. I look at what happened and what is happening. I attach no meaning, little emotion and just allow things and people to be. It is all so new to me that at times it is disconcerting.

It has taken about 5 weeks for me to get comfortable with my new no response, response. I am finally at a point where I accept this response and enjoy this response. I am also becoming aware of when I am about to err on the other side. It is often when I feel unsettled or scared. Those feelings come up when I am not exercising, eating right and meditating. The balance must be there in order for me to remain calm and keep the fear and control at a distance.

Going forward I will be waiting to see how my response changes if or when I start getting feelings for someone. Feelings and emotions can lead to attachment. I expect to experience attachment but I also have another perspective on it. Being able to remain calm and allow things to unfold without control is and will be the best thing I could do for my partner, me, friends and my life going forward. Attached to non-attachment. Afraid of having fear for loss. It has taken half my life but it can make my second half of life better.