Week 19 - ending 5/13: Apathy and Non-Attachment

Over the course of this year I am sure I will write about the same topics multiple times. I tend to think, rethink, reimagine and think again about things until I have them resolved in my mind. This subject is one of those of late.

Apathy is the lack of concern or interest in something, someone, life.

Non-attachment is not being attached to an outcome, something, someone, life.

There are subtle differences and I am trying to figure out how they are playing out in my life right now. I recently reconnected with an old friend. Prior to reconnecting with them, I went through the worst period of relationship loss in my life. I lost several people in painful and dramatic ways. I saw colors I never thought I would see, ever, let alone from these people. I felt ice from a space that once brought only warmth. In the end, I am happy to say, I feel happier, more peaceful and stronger, than I probably ever have in my life. To say you have to go through the storm is true. Thankfully the sun is shining again.

Having gone through those difficult times, I have a different perspective on people and relationships. I am working through being apathetic or non-attached. For example, I get very excited when people I care for reach out or when I see them. However, when I not with them, I miss them, but not in a co-dependent way like I used to. I am finding that I value people more when we interact, but I am not desperate for them when we are not interacting. It is a peace that I feel alone, an euphoria I feel when interacting and a calmness about if/when/how/where we will meet again.

As I was thinking on this the other day, I wondered if I had just turned into a cold and apathetic person, not truly caring about anyone or anything. However, that cannot be the case because I genuinely care. I genuinely want to see people and interact with them, learn about them and grow with them. The difference is I am not attached to whether we do or not. It warms my heart when the times align but I am not destroyed if it doesn't.

When I younger I had a difficult time with this. When I younger I thought love was pain. Pain when not being together, pain when being together but still feeling disconnected and insecure. Pain thinking about never seeing them again when they were right next to me. It was all so dramatic and distracting. Now I find the peace in stillness. Now I find excitement in the unknown. Now I find stress in control and confusion in the desire to know every outcome.