Week 11 - ending 3/18: Lose Yourself to Find Yourself

I am at that point in life, the mid-life crisis. In the last 3 years several people, I thought would be lifelong friends, have left my life. Another one, who I never thought would return, has returned. With every entry and exit of people in my life I lose, but also discover, parts of myself. They could be new or old pieces of me that I had forgotten or hidden feelings, emotions or characteristics that I am only now discovering.

With those changes and discoveries there are days I feel very lost and honestly have no idea who I am. With that feeling is freedom and fear. Intellectually it is freeing because I realize I can be whoever I want. Emotionally it is terrifying because I have lost my safe space. I don't recognize comfort in myself.

As I think on these things I see my life in a picture. Many years ago I was at a crossroads. Two roads entering the forest, one going left, one going right. I chose one of them and wandered for years. Leaving parts of myself along the way. A little self-esteem left and self-doubt picked up. A little weight dropped, a little more added. Some friends added, some removed. A whole heart that broke, lost some pieces, found others and has been stitched back whole.

As I wandered, eventually, the two paths came back together. That is where I am now. As I continue, I am realizing some of the parts I left behind are ahead of me to find again. Picking up the pieces of my former self. Dusting them off and making them fit into the person I am now. Melding the old with the new. Keeping the best parts and discarding the worst. I am slowly building a better me. After losing so much of myself to pain, heartbreak, anger and timidness. I am loving, caring and shining.