Week 1 - ending 1/7: Me, Myself and I

Blog post #1. I am not sure where this blog will go, but my hope is that it improves with time. I have decided to create weekly posts during 2023. It may be reflections on the week, random thoughts, or other miscellaneous happenings in either, or both, of my two worlds, inner/outer, I and I.

This week I decided to reflect on the lyrics in my head when I wake up. For the last several days of 2022, and the first two mornings of 2023, I woke up with the following lyrics from a song by Beyonce:

"Me, myself and I, that's all I got in the end. That's what I found out. And there ain't no need to cry, I took a vow that from now on I'm gon' be my own best friend,"

Starting in late 2019, I have lost several people. It began with my father getting very sick, very quickly and passing away right before the pandemic started. Since then I have had several other relationships dissolve, explode or fade away. As the story always seems to go, a few of those I never actually saw happening. One in particular was with my best friend. She and I had been best friends for 25 years, having met in college and remained close ever since. When that relationship exploded I felt so hurt and so alone. I expect the feeling of being passed over, or replaced to occur when a romantic relationship ends and they begin dating someone new, however not with a friendship.

It has been about a year and half since we last spoke and a few months longer than that since I last saw her. I do not wish her ill will, that phase has passed (kidding not kidding), but I don't know what I would do if I saw her. Ending a relationship is difficult for me to navigate. As the name implies, I prefer to live in compartmentalized worlds. If she was in my white, she is now in my black; if she was in my happiness, she is now in sadness; if she was in my friends group, she is now in my nothing group.

Intellectually, and spiritually, I understand relationships end, people grow apart, people take on different paths. However, emotionally, it is something difficult for me to come to terms with. For a while I was allowing it to affect my other relationships. I was pulling back in the fear of them leaving as well. That phase has passed, thankfully, and while I understand those relationships may end at some point too, I cannot live in that fear today.

For those relationships that have ended, by means other than physical death, I can honestly say now that I wish them all well. I can also say, I don't know what I would do if they wanted to rekindle the relationship. I have gotten used to my life without them and I am unsure what they would add now. I am also unsure how close I would allow myself to get again, but perhaps letting them back in is called learning, forgiving and moving on. Or maybe it's called being a fool and allowing yourself to be taken advantage of.

The one thing I have experienced is that when you really need someone, someone will always be there. And you may be surprised by who it is. For all the other times, you must be your own best friend. Thank you Beyonce.